Death To The Place With Falling Prices

Today is a milestone. My most popular blog post ever officially surpassed 2,000 views since June (2,043 to be exact), and I officially never want to hear Walmart humor again. I now understand why Radiohead hates the song “Creep.”

To save some time for everyone:

peopleofwalmart.com – I’ve seen it. Eleventy billion times. The next person who sends me an email saying “OMG have you seen this site?! It’s so funny! You will love it! Because of that blog you wrote, right? HAHAHA!” is getting punched.*

It’s not that I don’t think this site is funny. It is, albeit in a funny-but-truly-f’ing-disturbing way. And I can only look at so many pictures of jorts, mullets, and back fat before I want to tie a plastic shopping bag around my head.

So that’s it. No more Walmart anything on my blog. Ever. I am a Target shopper, and if I continue being associated with the Evil Retail Empire for one more millisecond I am going to run myself over with a motorized shopping cart.

…

Okay, fine — just for old times’ sake.

Those are the last bits of Walmart-related content you will find here. Goodbye forever.

 

 

*To all of my friends who have sent me links or pictures from this site: I’m not talking about you, silly. I’m talking about all those other creeps. Seriously, I’m not really mad about that. And I won’t punch you. (Unless you deserve it for another reason.)

 

Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for education. Probably, no nation is rich enough to pay for both war and civilization.

-Abraham Flexner, educator (1866-1959)

 

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

From a good friend this evening — a well-timed reflection, and exactly what I needed to hear…

 

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way

to something unknown,

something new.

Yet it is the law of all progress that is made

by passing through some stages of instability

and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.

Let them shape themselves without undue haste.

Do not try to force them on

as though you could be today what time

— that is to say, grace —

and circumstances 
acting on your own good will

will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new Spirit

gradually forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God,

our loving vine-dresser.

Amen.

 

 

You Should Probably Get That Checked Out

Recent search phrase leading to my blog:

“hurts to eat Triscuits”

Maybe you should try CHEWING THEM….?

 

Twi-Spite

 

All of my silly fangirl friends, take note: you are acting like 14 year olds.

This is especially true if you’re also a fan of that devil’s anthem, “Party in the USA.” PUKE VOMIT BARF HURL. (Sorry, Lindahl and Sarah. The truth hurts sometimes.)

 

P.S. I hope someday it’s as cool to be a librarian as it is to be a vampire. Maybe I will write a bestselling book-series-into-movie-franchise about sexy blood-sucking librarians…title suggestions, anyone?

 

How Midwesterners See the U.S.

 

Umm what’s so funny? Looks right to me.

 

Things in Life That Aren’t Fair

Six Triscuits is not a serving size — not for a human, anyway. An afternoon snack should burn at least five minutes off the clock; I can eat six Triscuits in about 30.5 seconds. 120 calories sounds great until you multiply it by the number of “servings” it takes to actually feel like you ate something. You mock me, Nabisco.

 

Superscript = Super



Thanks, Lindahl — Footnotes are, indeed, great.¹ I can tend to get carried away with them sometimes.²

___________________________________________

¹ I just recently made the switch from MLA in-text citations.

² Plagiarism is bad.

 

Holiday Cheer

Why does GAP always have the coolest Holiday commercials that make me want to learn how to dance and wear a sweater with matching hat and gloves?!?

Nicole, I’m right there with you.

 

Memo to All Emailers

 

Sending that email “High Priority” makes me 2-3 times more likely to “accidentally overlook” said email. Self-absorbed pricks…

 

 

An Open Letter to Coach Weis

Dear Charlie,

I write to you during the solemn week following Notre Dame’s second loss to Navy during your coaching tenure. While I was depressed, outraged, and in utter disbelief in the hours after the clock wound down to 0:00, I have since had time to gather my thoughts and compose my emotions. Therefore, I am left with only one question for you.

WTF?!?

Navy. Navy. Now, I have absolute mad respect for the U.S. Naval Academy. I wish them all a blessed Veteran’s Day today and thank them for their selfless service to our great country. They are a class act every time they roll into South Bend, and they played a helluva game on Saturday. In truth, I’d rather lose to Navy than pretty much any other team on our schedule — you can’t really cheer against them, and no matter the outcome of the annual ND vs. Navy game, you can be assured that gameday will conclude with a genuine display of sportsmanship and mutual respect.

But this was not a game we should have lost. Navy is not a Top 25 team. We were. (Supposedly.) You never would have known it on Saturday; it was like the Irish didn’t even realize they were playing a game until halfway through the 4th quarter. I actually invented my own little internal monologue for your players to go with this game: “Meh, big deal, they scored a touchdown…meh, we’re fine…it’s just Navy, we’ll catch up…hmm, look at that, it’s the end of the 3rd quarter…oh crap, we’re still behind?!”

So what was the problem exactly? Were you unprepared? Because it kind of looked like it. Here is what everyone knew was going to happen on Saturday: Navy was going to run the ball. I knew that Navy was going to run the ball. My mom, dad, boyfriend, great uncle, little sister, and neighbor’s dog knew that Navy was going to run the ball. I have to assume that you had considered the possibility at some point during practice last week that Navy might run the flippin’ ball. So why, oh why, did our defense look so dreadfully unprepared to defend against the run? Do you have an explanation for why a team under the direction of an offensive mastermind such as yourself played as though they had never seen an option offense before? Do you?!

You might be tempted to blame the defense’s ineptitude on Corwin Brown and John Tenuta, and you might have something there. Something clearly isn’t clicking. But ya know what? They work for you. Figure it out, and fix it. Puh-leaaaase. This is getting embarrassing.

Speaking of embarrassing, kindly clear the spit from the corners of your mouth periodically throughout the game. That gets seriously nauseating, man — you don’t want to know what you look like in high def.

Now, the consequences of this loss have been somewhat dire. BCS game? Bye-bye. Chance to cash in on your recruiting efforts of the last four years in what may well be your last season with Clausen and Floyd? Bye-bye. Acceptable record by “Notre Dame standards?” Bye-bye. We now are finishing with three losses — if we’re lucky. Our best possible regular season record is now 9-3 . Ya know, the record you said wasn’t good enough after finishing 9-3 in your first season. The one you had printed on a couple thousand rally towels followed by the statement “not good enough.” I’m not here to argue whether or not it is good enough. That is a difficult scenario to evaluate for an IU football fan, because I’d be wetting myself if the Hoosiers ever finished with that record. All I’m saying is that you said it wasn’t good enough. You said that. It now has taken you a four-year road trip, with pit stops along the way at “abysmal” and “mediocre,”  just to get back to “not good enough.”

Other consequences of this game, I’m afraid to report, have less to do with the state of Notre Dame football, but were equally disastrous. See, in the wake of this loss, I was in such a wretched state that I was forced to self-medicate with large quantities of booze and subsequently made an ass of myself on the dance floor at the Linebacker.

Therefore, I hereby issue to you the following sanctions:

1) You will need to post your game plan on the team website for the Irish Nation’s review and approval. It’s not that we don’t trust your judgment, it’s just…okay, yeah, we don’t trust your judgment anymore.

2) I am sending you my Saturday night bar tab of $33.25, as well as a bill for an undisclosed amount representing damages to reputation resulting from ensuing photographs. (See attached.)

 

Kindly remit payment no later than this Friday by 5:00 p.m. (I am anticipating I will need the money following this weekend’s game.)

3) Please, for the love of God, beat Pitt on Saturday so that Mark May shuts up for one week.

Sincerely,

Carly “Bring-Back-Lou” Reust

 

Sir, Yes Sir

Facebook would like me to get back in touch with Jager Bomb.

 

I mean…who am I to argue with that?

 

Blasphemy

This is NOT OKAY to do to a library book:

 

The nerve!

 

Can You Tell Me How To Get To Sesame Street?

Love this week’s “Google Doodles” in honor of Sesame Street’s 40th birthday!

Wednesday:

Thursday:

Friday:

Saturday:

Sunday:

Monday:

 

They had Snuffleupagus up there on Tuesday, but only Big Bird could see it.

 

Fake AP Stylebook

A few weeks ago, Lindahl posted the following quote on her blog:

While it’s tempting to call them ‘baristi’ because of the Italian roots, the plural of ‘barista’ is ‘journalism majors.’

I didn’t understand the context of the quote but laughed, because as an English major I enjoy seeing other people’s chosen fields of study derided for a change. Curiosity piqued, I clicked the link to the source and was rewarded with the Fake AP Stylebook Twitter page.

Now, I’ve never been a newsroom person. I worked on the ad sales side of the Indiana Daily Student in college (the “money-suckers” or “obnoxious salesmen” to the newsroom people, a.k.a. “the reason they have a job”). I wrote an article once for the Greek Hoosier Times, but that is the extent of my journalistic prowess. I do, however, have some experience with style sheets and can therefore really appreciate this brand of humor. If you’re on Twitter, hit that “Follow” button — you won’t regret it.

Here are just a few of the gems from the folks at Fake AP:

You may not say “no one could have suspected…” until you have interviewed everyone on planet Earth.

If you do not have an interviewee’s full title, use their most defining physical trait (e.g. “Alan Hayes, fat guy, said…”)

Use “drink” for the present tense, “drank” for the past and “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN AT?!?” on most Friday nights.

Change British spelling to American spelling or risk being hung as a spy for the Queen.

The proper style for mentioning H1N1 is to say “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE” at least once, followed by dozens of exclamation points.

The word “boner” is not capitalized, regardless of size.

The hung/hanged “error” in previous Tweet was a ruse to flush out Royalists and the Queen’s spies.

“Your” and “you’re” may be used interchangeably if you are an idiot.

Refer to him as “President Obama” when he first appears in an article, “Soul Brother Number 1″ in subsequent mentions.

The names of holidays are capitalized: Lou Diamond Phillips Day, Mononucleosis Day, Eiffel 65 Day, Fork Stabbing Eve.

“Fork Stabbing Eve” is only hyphenated by Commies, fairies, and the British.

Precede basic statements of fact with “allegedly” to avoid accusations of bias: “the allegedly wet water,” “the allegedly poisonous poison.”

Dates should be formatted as MM/DD/YY except for the years 1990 through 1992, which should be denoted in “Hammer Time.”

The “foreign squiggly lines” above and below letters are a liberal concession to the secret One World Government that rules us.

Open a story with “It was like something out of a nightmare” or similar only if two or more children have died.

(Response from follower): “How many badly burned children (or kittens) would be required?”

One burned kitten, three children if parents die, six children if they are already orphans, forty if they are not white.

Always remember to close all parentheses. We’re not paying to air condition the entire paragraph.

Active verbs should be used frequently, just like your mom.

You can replace S with $ any time you feel like money, playa.

“Lego” is the plural. There is no singular because what the hell can you do with only one of them?

Robots should only be referred to by gender-neutral pronouns, no matter how sexy they may be.

To describe more than one octopus, use sixteentopus, twentyfourtopus, thirtytwotopus, and so on.

“Buggy jockey” is an insulting term to the Amish and should only be used in the online edition.

Avoid using question marks as they remind people of hook-handed serial killers.

Slander is harder to prove, so avoid libel charges by just yellin’ that shit out the window.

It helps spice things up to insert parentheticals such as “cute” and “won’t last” into wedding announcements.

Do not use “Whoomp! There it is!” unless it actually is there.

A “cougar” is a large cat native to North America. An older woman who pursues a younger man is “embarrassing herself.”

The correct modifier for a student seeking a master’s degree is “in for a disappointment.”

 

Keeper of the Mints

I know I’ve shared a fair deal of my bizarre annoyances and pet peeves with you, but this one is really out there. I am getting that out of the way from the start: I know it is completely ridiculous that this is bothering me. Because it is completely ridiculous — and I know it is completely ridiculous — I am talking it out with myself (and all of you) instead of saying it out loud and adding to the portfolio my coworkers may be compiling of evidence that I’m a loony head case.

Okay. Here goes it.

So I’m an administrative assistant in the main office of a research institute at Notre Dame, right? And so, as is the case in the reception area of many offices, we have a little basket of mints sitting on my desk, right? It is a nice little “Welcome, come on in, have a seat, have a mint so that I don’t choke on your foul breath” gesture, right? Right.

Exhibit A: The Mints.

Most people who come in will take one (1) mint while they are waiting to see someone for a meeting or an interview. This is acceptable use of the mints. Throughout the day, my coworkers or student workers will often stop by and grab a mint. This, too, is acceptable use of the mints. Very often, people making deliveries will snag a mint while I’m signing for packages. Even this is acceptable use of the mints.

You know what isn’t acceptable use of the mints? GRABBING 17 OF THEM WITH YOUR GRUBBY GREEDY HANDS AND SHOVING THEM ALL IN YOUR POCKET.

It is so stupid that this bothers me, but we seriously have a guy who delivers our printed materials several times a week (Hello, Duley Press! Calling you out here!) and I’m not kidding, he grabs an entire handful of mints every single time he’s in here. This sometimes includes when he makes a morning and an afternoon delivery, and when he grabs his second handful of the day, I can still see leftovers from the morning batch peeking out of his shirt pocket! Excuse me, we aren’t sponsoring your mint consumption for the entire month!

I know he knows I’m watching him out of the corner of my eye while I’m signing all of these delivery slips because he will grab his first three or four right away out in the open, and then will very slyly creep his hand back over to the basket a few times to snatch a couple more while he thinks I’m not looking. Once, he was so distracted by trying to time his stealth missions to coincide with my eyes being diverted that he accidentally left an entire box of brochures here that belonged to some other department and I had to call the company to have them send him back to retrieve them. At which time he took three more. Seriously!

Again, I don’t know why this bugs me so much. It’s not like I have to personally pay for the mints. I do have to order them, and this mass consumption by Duley Delivery Dude does mean that I have to do it a bit more often, but they come in gigantic 5-lb bags and I place Office Depot orders every week anyway, so it isn’t even really an inconvenience to me. I think the only reason it irks me is because this is so far beyond my comprehension as adult behavior. I should not have to swat a 50-year-old man’s hand away from a freakin’ basket of candy!

Even more irritating is that I really can’t do anything about it. I’m not going to say anything to him — the only way I would be able to confront someone over something so trivial and silly is if I were drunk. And if I were drunk at work, well…I think I’d have bigger problems than people stealing mints. I thought about putting up a little sign saying “Please Take One,” but I won’t do this because 1) I hate clutter on my desk, and 2) I feel like I’m already the Mean Person who has been forced to put up signs all over the institute (i.e. “Please Copy Double-Sided When Possible,” “Please Do Not Smoke In The Bathroom,” “Please Do Not Shake Or Hit Coffee Machine,” “Please Clean Up The Thing That Just Exploded In The Microwave,” “Your Mother Doesn’t Work Here, So Please Don’t Leave Your Dirty Dishes In The Sink,” and so forth) and I really would rather not add to the list of things people can add “Nazi” to the end of to describe me (i.e. Paper Nazi, Coffee Nazi, Sink Nazi, etc.).

Exhibit B: My Current Identity Crisis.

Today, I even thought about anonymously calling or writing to his company to request that Duley Delivery Dude behave with a bit more professionalism or else we will send them a Starlight Mint bill at the end of every month. But what if we are the only place along his route that sets out a mint basket? Then he will get yelled at, and he’ll know it was me who got him in trouble, and it’ll be awkward. I hate awkwardness — even with people who pilfer my mint supply.

So I will probably just continue sitting here passive-aggressively glaring at him as he tries to sneakily pour half the basket into his pants several times a week. I will then alternate between being annoyed at him for acting like such a juvenile, greedy, free-stuff-grubbing old man, and being annoyed at myself for caring.

Thanks for listening. I feel much better now.

Love,

Mint Nazi

 

Just in Time

 

(In case you can’t read the tiny print of the bottom line:

Mid-Term Exam. Submitted Oct 29, 2009 11:54 p.m. Due Oct 29, 2009 11:55 p.m.)

 

What can I say, I’m a very good estimator of exactly how long — down to the minute — an assignment is going to take.

 

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I think I’ve spent half of my life standing there staring stupidly trying to remember why I just came into that room.

***

I hope my professors don’t immediately doubt the quality of my work based merely on the fact that all of my assignments are uploaded at 12:_ _, 1:_ _, or (eek) 2:_ _ a.m. Ya know what? Procrastination and nocturnalism aren’t punishable crimes. Don’t judge.

***

Every now and then I get really excited when I see I have a new email and then am disappointed when I realize, “Aww man, it’s just Barack Obama again.”

***

One of my favorite things about fall: sweater season! One of my least favorite things about fall: nearly obsessive fretting over stretched-out sweater sleeves. I have to wash these things after every wear just to get the sleeves back to an acceptable shape and size. I will pretend that this is attributable to skinny arms.

***

Have you ever strongly considered de-friending certain people on Facebook because they constantly invite you to events held 200 miles from where you live, they’ve asked you to play Mafia Wars one too many times, or simply because their status updates annoy the piss out of you? I have.

***

I’ve heard before that the way to get a song unstuck from your head is to listen to it all the way through. It has something to do with your brain playing a certain loop of the song on repeat because it can’t remember how to finish it, so you have to listen to it all the way through in order to give your brain some resolution. It’s a nice theory. Not once has it worked.

***

I really love it when someone proposes a change in process or policy and then says, “I’m just trying to make your job easier.” Someday I will work up the nerve to say, “No, it makes your job easier. This actually creates substantially more work for me, but thank you for the effort.”

By the way–in all of your collective years of work history, have any of you ever gone out of your way to make someone else’s job easier? Yeah, didn’t think so. I can’t believe people still use this line and think it works.

***

I purposely weigh myself in the morning after I get out of the shower. That way if I’m one pound over what I’d like to be, I can blame it on wet hair.

***

I recently just saw Back to the Future I & II and Dazed and Confused for the first time ever. So many random quotes that I’ve heard throughout the past 20-odd years make so much more sense now…

***

Some days I come home and think to myself, “I really wish I hadn’t wasted makeup today, because I didn’t see anyone of the slightest importance.”

***

So many common grammar and usage errors annoy me that it’s difficult to pick a winner for the Most Aggravating Award, but using the word “of” in place of “have” is right up there at the top of the list. “I could of gone to the beach today.” THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. “Of” is not a verb. It never has been a verb. It doesn’t work like a verb. It doesn’t even occasionally get drunk and claim to be a verb. Stop giving poor “of” an identity crisis — it is quite good at being a preposition, so let’s show a little respect, people.

***

Digital cameras have really taken away those moments of suspense in which you pick up your pictures from Walgreens and have to flip through them right there at the counter to see how they all turned out.

***

One of the most joyous moments in the life of an administrative assistant is attempting to file a completely miscellaneous bit of paperwork, selecting a file at random, and discovering that you filed the exact same type of miscellaneous paperwork in that same spot several months ago. It is reassurance that my bizarre organizational logic is at least consistent.

 

You think YOU are having a bad day??

Facebook: Think Before You Post

 

Poll Time

I just realized I can do polls on here, so just for the hell of it, I am making one. Vote, vote away!